Funny diet advice from Gawker

4 approaches to this healthy lifestyle thing. So far, I’ve been in camp #1 but I’m supposed to run a half marathon in a month and a half so I am attempting to get somewhere between #2 and #4. 

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College grad lands job through billboard ad

As I attempt to get my life in order, I have realized that there are an abundance of depressing news articles about how life is going to suck for 2012 graduates. I am very glad that I did not read the news before because it is clearly the first step down a long road of sadness and realization that your future is nothing. I thought this story was a little fun twist on the typical boo-hoo the economy sucks story. I just know that I could never do this because I already have an abnormally large head and there is no way that I would want it plastered on a billboard.

Also, did anyone else secretly hope that this Bennett Olson was the Bennett from “Texts From Bennett”?

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Top Computer Science Blogs

Part of my quest to become a more well-rounded and productive part of society is trying to learn computer science. Let me tell you, as a law school graduate and useless humanities-oriented extraordinaire, this is no easy task. I came across this blog post and foolishly clicked on it thinking that it would be a good idea for me to subscribe to some computer programming blogs even though so far all I’ve learned how to do is turn my font from red to green using HTML. Needless to say, I am extremely intimidated and have not subscribed to any. I will be sticking with my http://www.codeacademy.com with its pretty badges and easy lessons for now, thankyouverymuch.

Why today’s attempt at productivity failed

I’m not even good at this game! Why do I love it so much? It’s like my boyfriend cheated on me and instead of dumping him, I spent hours massaging his feet. That was the most useless task I could come up with.

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What I Think Bankers Do

Apparently they agree with my last post. 

Investment Banker

May 3, 2012

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to apply for an investment banking analyst position. I have seen many of my friends go through these jobs and believe that I would make an immediate positive, or at least not negative, impact on your firm.

I am interested in working as an investment banking analyst despite my very humanities-oriented background and lack of mathematical and technical abilities because of the vast amount of time my investment banking friends spend on YouTube and Gchat. While my friends that are in other, supposedly less stress-inducing and tiring industries are hard at work all day, my investment banking friends are constantly sending me random articles detailing Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s latest date or YouTube videos of interpretative dances done in big slabs of butter (yes, that is real and you can find it here). I know from my many years of education that I am quite excellent at watching random useless videos and reading articles that will not matter in a couple days.

Well, this is the part where I am supposed to tell you why I would be good at this job. Honestly, who knows what investment bankers really do and what skills you really need for it? I read Michael Lewis’s books on the subject; since I read both of them, I assume that qualifies me as some kind of expert. It sounds like all you have to do is be a shameless salesperson who is willing to B.S. when you do not know the right answer. That sounds like a pretty accurate description of my personality. Additionally, from my careful research of people who are investment bankers, when they describe their work, it just sounds like they are someone’s “b*tch” and do things like make PowerPoint presentations and bind notebooks that are very prettily laminated. Are you kidding? I can guarantee you that I can fill information in on a PowerPoint and deliver things to the local copy shop to get them bound with the best of them. I am extremely confident in making that assertion and am not inflating my skills in any way. Finally, as an extra bonus, my Gchat statuses are extra hilarious so I am pretty sure that since all your other investment banking analysts will be checking them regularly, I will be contributing something of great value to your office. 

So, in summary, I can fill information in, Gchat/YouTube (while still looking productive), and I can even staple papers together! What I cannot do, however, is understand anything about numbers and how they act when you try to add or subtract them. As long as you give me a calculator though, I am sure we can work something out. Holler if you want to experience some of my hilarious Gchat statuses in person.

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